brandishes | inbox || maskormenace

( eggplants are in the nightshade family???

she'd question this but honestly beth isn't confident enough in her vegetable lore to call it into question, so she'll just have to...deal with the rest of the message instead.

and what a message. )

Well, you were certainly close.
I appreciate the effort but I'm not seeing a beautiful representation of my name in veggies, it just looks like you're bombarding me with dicks.

( swiftly followed by: )

But moussaka sounds great.

oi don't be cunty
I'm trying to feed you nourishing greek food, not dicks

( ah )

granted i could have worded that better
and there was that one time i put a jumbo star spangled dildo in my cousin's car as revenge

I don't think i've even heard someone say "cunty" before, let alone been called it. .

( australians. jesus.

and she should probably already be realising that she shouldn't ask for an elaboration from sarissa, but how the hell is she supposed to just let go of something like that?? it'll probably plague her for the rest of her life if she doesn't find out more. )

That is...extreme. As revenge for what, exactly?

no wakkas your welcs gotta make sure all the roos know how to hop hey

( all of those are definitely true australianisms )

yeah his date was a bit surprised

anyway he cheated in a chin-up competition in front of a cute girl

( lowkey beth isn't entirely convinced that sarissa isn't some form of karmic retribution for the bad deeds she's committed in her life and this message is absolutely 100% proof. )

I think you're going to need to provide a translation phrase book or something, seriously. "Gotta make sure the roos know how to hop"??

You know I was expecting his offence to not have deserved a response like dicks on cars, but honestly I think that's fair enough. Was the date the cute girl from the competition?

yeah like
making sure people know the obvious/understand the basics, that kinda thing

YEAH
Melodie
and it was extra shit because I'd had a crush on her since i was like twelve

anyway we dated for like four months after that, good times

Ah, makes sense.

( no it doesn't???? )

Oh shit you ended up dating her after that? Not bad, not bad at all..

I mean I assume the whole 'crush since you were twelve' factor was probably a bigger part of the dating thing, but between that and the car dick I'm guessing your cousin probably didn't try and cheat in your comps any more?

i'm an achiever

and i mean he did, but he regretted it every time

Nothing like family right?

( ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha how tragic & hilarious that they don't know just how complex that old chestnut is for both of them. )

Guessing that one ended better than mafia princess? I mean I could be wrong but it's an educated guess if the best part of the story is the spangled dildo..

Edited 2017-09-05 13:09 (UTC)

nothing so similar to a double edged sword

it ended okay
not with a bang but a "huh"
I mean I could make up a dramatic story to make it more interesting, but the highlight of the relationship was annoying Nicko about it

And Mafia Princess is called Georgia. Or Satan. For the former than the latter, these days. For a while I thought she tried to have me killed. Turned out it wasn't what it looked like.

Our first date was her taking me to A&E with a mild concussion.

Edited 2017-09-05 13:17 (UTC)

Of the 2 relationships I know of you having, one of them started with you getting revenge on your cousin/her date and the other kicked off in the emergency department.

Are they all like this?? Honestly, I've got to know, man.

not all
one started in a grocery store
picked them up in between the nutella and vegemite

no that's a lie
I never started dating anyone in a grocery store
honestly that's where relationships go to fail, nothing tests love like grocery shopping

oh wait this one person I almost dated called me Carissa the entire night
they were so attractive but not worth it
zero out of five koala rating

didn't you ever meet someone with revenge dildos?

Interesting that a hospital was all steam ahead but a grocery store is where you draw the line. I mean I support it, don't get me wrong, but I think A&E would bemy hard pass.

Attractiveness has got to be some kind of unfair evolutionary advantage. The shit I've put up with/considered putting up with in the name of hotness is shameful.

Tragically my stories are tame as they get. 'Met my last boyfriend at a charity run' tame. Not a dildo in sight, revenge or otherwise.

she hauled me there in a very nice car
like a really nice car
I saw $$$

( she is full of shit. )

MATE okay shit we gotta fix that
"charity run" please that's some boring white bread shit
did they also organise their socks by brand alphabet and only read books in the NYT bestsellers
were you dating a mop

anyway I actually love charity runs but what's life without random dildos

Well damn who can blame you then.
I'm still questioning her life choices but you can't get hot rich and sane i guess?

( obviously she was aware when she sent the message that it could result in a conversation about paul, but the idea of actually talking about paul still strikes her as incredibly unpleasant all the same.

but it would be weirder to just abruptly change the topic, right? and it's all light hearted fun, no need to get 'serious' or anything.

...swig swig swig. )

Mop actually might be a kinder adjective than he deserves,
And there wasn't sock organising but he DID only buy specific branded socks, so you're not far off.

Charity runs could be greatly improved if random dildos were introduced. Would you just throw them at the people running? Hand them out as prizes maybe?

Edited 2017-09-10 10:25 (UTC)

hey, that's my fiancée you're talking about

( fml fml fml )

ex-fiancée, christing christicles on a christ cracker

ANYWAY wait this mop with his brand socks
what was his name, do you want to have a drink and some sweet chats

I could bring you an actual mop and a dildo just so you feel included

oh god just don't think about how fucking weird that last part could sound

Edited 2017-09-10 10:40 (UTC)

( sarissa why are you like this )

I don't even know where to start with all of this.
But yeah, I mean I'm not doing anything else? Nothing can fix a quiet evening like some drinks, a mop and a dildo.

listen

I'm poorly socialised

Can't hold that against you now,
can I? We've all got our oddities.
Most of them don't involve dildos, but that's okay, I can adjust.

I prefer to be judged by people that aren't my sisters for my hot boddity
but I guess I'll accept being judged for dildos and poor phrasing, this time, because somehow that's the less disturbing option

but hey, does Cosima always remind you how she's the hot one, because talk about brutal for the self esteem

Edited 2017-09-10 11:08 (UTC)

I mean can we even argue that one though? I thought I was doing this face a decent amount of justice, but Cos found a look that works and ran with it. We're all dust in her path.

If it's any consolation I'm only mildly judging. Mostly I'm just disappointed that more people don't offer to bring dildos around. Honestly, what a gift.

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